I wish I still had the note I wrote you in February so I could write on it as a continuation. I don’t know what happened to it after I took it from your room. I tried to save it. Did I give it back? New sheets of paper work better anyway. I’m sure I’ll need more room than that note would have allowed and I don’t want to relate what I write here to that night and that note.
Of course I want to tell you that I’m sorry again. I’m sorry every day. I regret it every time I think of it or see you, especially when I’m close to you or see a vague expression of sadness or reflection on your face. I have no idea if it has to do with me, but it reminds me of the weeks after I told you and makes me remember how much I’ve hurt you. I hate it, wish it never happened or that I could erase it, and I can’t forgive myself. I can’t expect you to forgive me if I can’t and I guess I don’t expect you to ever forgive me completely. You should be mad at me. I want you to be mad at me. But I also want to be with you and I don’t care if those two overlap. I deserve what comes out of your anger, sadness and feelings of betrayal, but I also deserve your love if you still feel it like you say you do. I don’t think it should be ignored or pushed away. That’s only going to make you sadder.
I want you to be happy. It’s hard to decide what I should do to facilitate that because my own feelings get in the way so much. I know you make me happy and I’d venture to say it’s mutual (with at least 90% certainty, since I’m accounting for unpleasant memories and making an assumption that you’re briefly happy when you’re with me despite always being sad) but I don’t want my feelings to come before yours. Sometimes I want you back selfishly. Mostly I want you back because I think we’d both be happier.
I don’t want to force you to be with me if it’s going to make you unhappy. But what’s hard is that I don’t think it would. You would have memories that make you upset with me. I know they won’t disappear, but I’d be there for you (I always am and will be) to talk about it if you wanted to. I want you to talk about it and feel everything you need to, but I want to be with you to help you through it. Don’t hold your feelings in.
There would be more happy memories made than bad ones relived, though. I don’t think I need to go into detail by listing good memories we have together. There’s a lot to choose from. * I never thought I could be as happy with someone as I was in my long term relationship. Don’t take this the wrong way (I’m not tryna wife you up, I swear), but I thought I was going to marry the guy and now I’m here feeling more in love with you than I ever felt with him. That’s a huge deal for me.
But if not being together would actually make you happier you should tell me so that I stop bothering you. I don’t think you ever got to see how stubborn I am before…obviously you see it now. I don’t want to give up on you but if you need me to stop, I’ll stop. I don’t want to harass or beg you. I just don’t give up easily when I actually love someone.
If I stop, it has to be completely. We not only can’t send each other wishy washy “miss you” or “merp” texts, cuddle, kiss, or hook up, but we can’t hang out like we have been. I would have to physically avoid you when possible and we’d have to not speak much when we inevitably end up at the same place. No calls, no texts, no Facebook messages. We’d have to actually follow through with it this time. I’d consider defriending you and not using Twitter anymore so I don’t have to see anything related to you.
It sounds extreme and I know I would hate it, but it’s the only way that I could stop. That’s what I need to get over you. I can’t keep getting dragged around like I am right now. I’m not willing to be there for you when you want me occasionally (especially for sex); I want to be there for you as much as I can in the little time we have left to take advantage of the feelings we have for each other.
I didn’t mean for this to be so long. I should have expected to have a lot to say considering I wrote and rewrote this letter between 5 and 7 AM on a Sunday after a week during which we’ve hooked up 3+ times and logged countless hours of snuggling. And if you haven’t picked up on it yet, I love you, so I’m allowed to be verbose.
* I can’t help myself. Meeting you, the initial thrill of realizing that I liked you so quickly, that time you ended up passed out on my floor, having “the talk” only two weeks later and admitting I didn’t know how to pronounce your last name, the gushing feeling I had for weeks after, getting to know you and meeting all the friends I love so much now, late nights spent worrying over school together, the times you held me when I cried out of anxiety, late nights spent together in bed, waking up next to you in the morning, the sex (duh), feeling things start to get serious over winter break, holding myself back from telling you that I loved you when it was too early and feeling like I was going to explode, when you told me you loved me when you were black out drunk, finally saying it for real in the beginning of winter session and riding a tidal wave of gross lovey feelings for the rest of January into February, making your LSAT bag, holding you and kissing you the night before the LSAT as you cried, Valentine’s day…et cetera. I couldn’t possibly list all of them.
It has been 289 days since you asked me to be your girlfriend, 184 since you broke my heart, and 3 days since i’ve accepted that. I fear that if I don’t let go of you now, I never will. At first I was scared to let the memories slip away but over time I have realized I don’t have to let them fade away, I just have to not let them consume my every thought. I don’t I will ever be able to explain the love I felt towards you, though I will try.
When I woke up it was the smell of cologne that still lingered on our sheets, it was the heat from a well needed shower, the extra fast pace of my heart whenever I saw you. It was that book you couldn’t put down for days because you never wanted it t end. It was all that but that only skims the surface of how I felt towards you.
I know that many people do not understand why I forgave you after all the pain you made me feel, but what they don’t know it that yes the pain hurt, but the way I loved you and how good it felt to know I was loved back took over the bad feelings.
I will no longer be scared to let people into my live, and I am no longer scared of love. After every storm, there is a rainbow, we don’t know where the rainbow starts, but the journey there is the exciting part.
I can’t hide from what’s right in front of me. I tried to deny the fact we were over. I tried to convince you to stay, but I already knew deep down inside the no matter how much I begged or how hard I cried, you weren’t mine to keep. You came into my life for a reason and when you left, I was so angry at everything and everyone, But once the anger lifted, I learned that you were not in my life to help me learn about myself.
Without everything that has happened, I wouldn’t be able to sit here as I am now. Now I sit here facing my problems and admitting what I did wrong.
I have faced my pain and I have walked the broken path picking up the pieces I left behind.
I learned where to draw the line between desperation and determination.
You are no longer mine to keep. The times spent with you was nothing less than greatness. I no longer hold onto hopeless hope. What is trull mine will eventually be mine, but what is not, no matter how hard I try, it will never be,
I can’t blame the stars or keep telling myself that we are meant to be, because in the end, the fault does not lay within the starts, but rather they lie in ourselves.
The trouble with love is that we think we have time. But thats the thing; love run on time. It is its own measure, that we can’t control You have to let it go at its own pace. The only control you have is whether or not you accept the love you think you deserve or the love that you do deserve.
Love teaches you many things. It teaches you that life will wear you down, you will question everything you thought you knew.
Heartbreak teaches you that you have to climb the tallest mountains, just to accomplish the smallest task. the fear can swallow you whole. The most important thing heartbreak teaches you is how to face the memories, the pain, the anger and face your darkest fears. You either sink or swim.
I am no longer fighting the memories, the pain, the fear nor the anger but rather take the time I spent with you and use it as a life lesson.
So here it comes; the final moment I get to weep, the final goodbye.
You gave me everything and for that I thank you for that, it is my time to go now.
Behind me I leave nothing but the pain I felt, and instead I take with me the memories of the kind hearted man I know you to be.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. It plants a fire in our heart that will never truly burn out.
Thank you Police man for letting me love you but also thank you for loving me back. I now understand what I was supposed to feel and how now I no longer need to feel it. Sometimes, the smallest things in our lives take up the biggest spaces in our hearts.
Just because this is goodbye does not mean I will ever forget the time I spent with you. I could keep writing pages and pages of this letter, but thats the point of this. I have to let you go now. I have to say goodbye and I have to start thinking about all the good things in my life.
It is finally my turn to spread my wings and learn how to fly. We think we infinite, but in reality, we only have a short amount of time.
So here it is, my last goodbye to you;
I hope your life is full of amazing moments and I hope you get everything you want in life. May you feel love and kindness.
Though this may be the end of our chapter together, it is the beginning of a new chapter for me. I must go write it now.
I remember when you told me not to call you that. You said you didn’t like the sound of it. But that’s exactly what you were and have been for the past five years. My ex-boyfriend. I just wish you’d had the courtesy to make it clearer.
My feelings for you come with a sharp pain now
I know what they are and I know why they are there
They’re pretty as stained glass
But just as fragile
One deceptive word from you, and they would surely shatter
Maybe that’s why you don’t say a thing to me.
You’ve taken the darkest path my love
you’ll never come back to the innocence and tender naïvety from our past.
I’m only jaded. But I’m just the same. A good girl with a sickening sadness. A virgin.
4 years you filled with drugs and women, 4 years pass and at 18 years of age you’re a goddamned cliche.
When i was 14 i thought i’d have to wait this long for the freedom to be with you. I thought you could just study and wait for me.
You’re wasted. You’re gone. You’ve made of this life what you think is most fulfilling, but you’ve taken so many rushes to the soul that you can’t feel much anymore.
I may become the hellish helpless typical single American, but by then your story will be done. You’ll be done. I’ll be gone and away from whatever stole your soul.
I don’t know what to believe.
But I know I did this to myself.
I created a part of me in my journal when I was 14 that had an undying love for you only. I wrote about the feeling of our first kiss in great detail. I wrote about our phone calls during the days when i had to wait ‘till it was late and hide in the closet to talk to you. You called me your muse. You were mine.
I must have spent time that amounted to months writing about you. And time that amounted to years thinking about you. But I’m through, yes, I’m through.
I went back to what I wrote about the morning after seeing you. What I wrote made so much sense. I was made certain by spending a day with you that everything I’ve claimed to feel has been real. I love you. For many reasons: I haven’t had much experience. I’m overwhelmed easily. Your interests are my secret passions. You’re a gentleman…in a few little ways, and I’m an old-fashioned gal in a lot of ways. Your demeanor attracts my own. I don’t know my father. “Daddy issues.” The parallels lie in the fact that you’re so awfully distant, a self-proclaimed drunkard, sex driven, and you don’t love me. So i seek your attention indirectly. Without a word, actually. My best friend says it’s that, and that this may go deeper than I thought.
Deeper than you care to know.
This is nothing to burden you with. This is nothing to humiliate myself over. Maybe when I know the truth, it will make sense to tell you everything. Maybe it won’t. The most I know for the time being is that getting you involved while you’re already on a disastrous path won’t help either of us.
And I can’t try to save you.
I can’t tell you what to do
or how to live.
I have absolutely no right to, and
it would make you despise me all the more. So wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are doing, I hope that you are happy.
I once asked you if you were happy
while we sat stoned in an alley.
You looked at me and nodded.
That was enough to convince me.
I wrote a poem for you… I call it “Her Eyes”
Her eyes, a shade I can scarce describe, are diamond blue,
Only a newborn should have eyes that beautiful and new,
I’ve been enchanted by those eyes for nearly 5 years,
Since 7th grade, I’ve wondered what she sees in mirrors,
Does she see the immense beauty that I see?
Hell, me loving those eyes, is it meant to be?
Those eyes, they could shine like massive stars each night,
Those eyes could bring hope to Blacklight,
Every time I see them I forget what troubles me,
Does the angel with those eyes see what I see?
I hope she knows the wonder and grace she shows,
That’s something I think only she could know,
Close to a year I’ve been trying to put it on paper,
After 8 drafts and 7 scraped, I hope this isn’t my caper,
The poem that is my bane,
When looking at those eyes my words begin to wane,
She’s wondrous and angelic by herself,
But combined with those eyes, her beauty surpasses even an elf,
She isn’t human, no,
She’s an angel, in disguise, I know,
With those eyes she could make history repeat the battle of Troy,
She makes it seem like the world is a toy,
Just like the fall of Seelow,
Those eyes pierced my heart like an arrow from a bow,
Those eyes shine with a beauty so strong,
They could crush all people with a beauty so pure that it’s wrong,
I say, she’s more beautiful than any human or elf,
How? By just being herself.
You always had this sort of charm
that made me believe in pure bliss
where there is only peace, no harm
for it’s a world of complete happiness.
Your eyes were mystrerious,
my trust for you unknown
but everything I left for you was serious
and that i have shown..
We had our share of troubles
from stupid things to hell on the run
but still my feelings for you would double
and i never wanted us to be done
Though when you said it was over, that we had end
my heart broke into a million pieces
wishing we could make amends
but they lied when they said a broken heart siezes
because no matter how hard i tried
my feelings for you never did die..
I wish you were back in the picture
then id have tears of joy in my eyes and a smile on my face
along with all our memories that we’ve captured
and a heart beat that couldn’t keep a steady pace
you have no idea how much i miss you….
if you only knew….
I want to say thank you. Thank you for 5 amazing months. Thank you for loving me. But I also want to ask how could you? How could you make me promises you couldn’t keep? How could you ask me to open up and share everything with you just for you to turn around and leave me just like the rest of them. How could you take away a child that I loved like my own daughter? How could you promise to love me and turn around and leave with no word for 2 weeks and I find out your getting married. Out of everyone I have been with you hurt me the most. You knew me. You knew what you did would tear me into pieces. You know that I will always love you and not a second goes by that I dont think about you and wish you were here in my arms again. I wish we could just go back to christmas. The day we became us. The day that you changed my life. What happen to the only wedding you wanted to go to was ours…? What happen….
Love forever and always,
I guess that was a false alarm.
You’re gone again. (No surprise)
What did I do wrong this time?
You came back.
What is this telling me?
I finally moved on, and still “broken” from the recent guy, and suddenly, you come back.
I’m so confuse.
There’s a part of me that feels that this will finally give me some closure, or at least for the time being some satisfactory and peace of mind. Not a day goes by where I sometimes wonder just what it was that initially set the spark for you and I. A lot of me, when I think about it, realizes that it was through the multiple roleplays you and I had together that ranged from passionate smut to adorable feels that meshed with the fear of losing you as a friend when times began to become rough between us. I was at a point in my life where it was either you and me, or my other two companions whom I would always voice chat with.
There came a time that when I did not have their company, I began to find it through you. The more I think about it the more I realize how selfish I was in the past, and it disgusts me. But you have to realize, it was through fear of losing you as a dear friend that set all the other emotions into action. Or maybe it was because I wanted to constantly be that standing stone for you. I saw myself in a ways considering you and I have always had our age differences. I saw what you were going through, and realized that you needed emotional support, in the best ways that I could ever give you; words. I made sure you realized your worth, that life would get better and soon you’d see past the young, and troubling teen years as high school would continue.
It was being there for you that I developed that emotional bond, that there was a you and me aspect added to the recipe. I do not deny that I fell in love with you. I loved your smile, I loved being the one to tell you that I loved you, and that I was able to give you things that you did not experience where you lived and from those around you. I loved seeing your face brighten, your laugh, everything. I was glad, and happy to be that bright light in your life that at that time seemed filled with nothing but darkness. In my own selfish ways, I had someone that I could call my motivation, my inspiration. I could tell myself that I had found my significance.
I have always known deep inside that I am more tied to emotions than I am to looks, or to first glances. I have to get to know someone. I can’t go on blind dates, I can’t get those tingly feelings when seeing someone attractive (Though I do give out compliments where compliments are due) . It’s just not who I am. A person’s emotions and their thoughts are something that I truly admire, and find beautiful all on their own. Perhaps that is the reason why I stayed as long as we were. We were headstrong together, the ideal dreams kept us strong and I do not regret any of what we said to each other, what we worked up toward being.
What I do regret however, is letting myself be stepped on, and walked on when I should have spoken up for myself. I know it was because of our age difference. The naive things said to me I would simply shake off because, being 20 and you 16 causes different opinions and such said between each other. I regret having not spoken my real feelings when you would tease me about my age, call me a pedo and think that it wouldn’t sting me just a little, constantly nag at me that you were far more superior than I. Constantly remind me of how others would flirt with you, constantly saying to me that although I could give all the love and support through words and gestures, it would never amount to be enough compared to the physical desires. And I know you didn’t mean it, or at least, in the way that would be insulting to others far more quickly than myself. I realize now it is because of my calm demeanor and ability to shrug it off that it probably more or less seemed like I never became impacted by the words you said.
I regret not being able to tell you the truth when I realized that my love for you began to disappear. I regret not being able to say to you right then and there, that the only reason why our friendship stayed the way it was was /because/ we entered a relationship together. We were always different, but had small, certain things that kept us together. But it would never be enough, were it not having a relationship being the string attatched to us. I regret not finding the strength to leave, because there was that fear in me that if this ended, then no one would ever see myself as someone who you saw at that time. That I would not be able to have someone to text good morning to, or good night, or random I love yous throughout the day, or to simply remind you that you are pretty, and smart, and charming.
I regret not being able to admit to you when I was feeling down, that I felt used and that you and I were always one sided. I would be the support you would need, I would stay up late for you with our three hour time difference if you needed someone to lean on. Yet whenever I would need you, whenever our discussions became much more serious, you were never there. You would stay for a little while, but before I could truly muster up the courage to say what was truly on my mind you would leave me.
I am sorry for selfishly holding onto what we had, because in a ways I felt that if it would not happen between us I would never get an opportunity to be affectionate, and feel loved back by another who truly wanted to be with someone like me. With all of her flaws, and all of her paranoias, other than the ideal, sweet dates, or cheesy ideas and other silly romantic things. I apologize for, in my own way, having secretly fallen out of love with you and not letting you know. The more I think about it I know that I never would have confessed to you that I had fallen out of love. The reason being that I still felt you needed that standing stone. That, if and when all else you would turn to on your end seemed bleak, you knew that I would always be there. That you had someone to come to if you needed them. Through thick and thin I made sure to stay with you and by your side. Half of it through fear, half if it through hopes that when the time came you would do the same.
After coming out of the longest relationship I have ever had, I am ashamed to say that it has messed me up. Countless of times I suffer from fears of being abandoned, forgotten. It has happened to me twice, both to people who I care about and treasure greatly. Naivity at its best when I was your age, I fell for someone who was actually my current age now. We said we had feelings for each other. But the moment they found someone else, and did not even plan to tell me, it felt like all I was was someone being used and toyed with. As if I never truly mattered, like most things were a lie compared to what I had believed them to be.
I am angry with myself, ashamed, and sometimes I get too down if left to think on it. Out of this relationship I have come out both strong, the better person of the two, but also broken and shaken. I have my ups and downs, and still know I need patchwork and time to heal. I fear that if I am not able to give the physical, sexual cravings you had to someone right off the bat, that they will not like me. That I will become a boring person, or I will be someone that is easily cast to the side. I know this isn’t true, but the constant fear of it has and always will linger in the back of my mind; sometimes stronger than most days.
Half of me wonders when the spark of love truly left you too, and some of me feels as if it left around the same time as mine did, and both of us were just beating around the bush not wanting to admit to it fully. I felt abandoned and brushed off, considering after we had broken off finally, about a week or so later you got yourself a boyfriend. You were able to accomplish all that you wanted. A boyfriend, someone to be physical with. I was the emotional strength for you, but I could not be what that boy can. I am not angry at him, and all in all I am truly happy for you, because in a ways I can see now that I am sure even you are realizing that life is not as bad as how it started out to seem.
We come out of our highschool years refreshed, and with a little more opened eyes. I know I did, when before I felt like there was no one who could relate to me and that I had it bad. We all have that stage, before we begin to finally grow and really see the world in front of us and what options we truly have. I am glad for you, and very happy. I can only hope that maybe someday I too will be just as happy and find another spark with another in this life time.
But you know, in a ways, I am also okay with not finding that spark with another, too. Before you and I became something, I was your best friend. I was there for you when you needed it, your cornerstone for when something bad went down and you needed someone. I have always told myself, that in the end if I cannot be someone’s significant other that I truly, truly care about, being the best is all I can aspire to be. Being your best friend is what I know how to do best.
I know that our friendship is in the past now, and I hope that when you look back on it, you will see. I came into your life just when you were beginning high school, and I hope that, through our years of knowing each other, I was a significant part of your life, if just for a moment. I was a new chapter, and now that we have ended, another chapter begins for you just as it begins for me as well.
Wishing you All the Best~
Your name keeps coming up a lot. First with my girlfriends, then with my mother, and finally, with our mutual friends. They tell me you want to be friends. Dillan, please. Leave me alone. You took my virginity, my self-esteem, my sanity, and my best friend. What more do you want from me? You just don’t get it. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be your ex-girlfriend. I don’t want to be anything to you. I don’t even want my name on your lips.